There’s nothing more exciting that starting to show in your first pregnancy. You wait for weeks or even months for that tell-tale bump that says, “That’s right, bitches. There’s a baby up in here.”

However, for some of us, the whimsy of cute maternity tops and the loving stomach caress from our baby daddies gets old long before our water breaks. I’m talking to you, my fellow squatty-torso gals. We start showing early and take the phrase “big as a house” to whole new square footage.

Every woman carries a fetus differently and it will even vary from this pregnancy to your next. You might be low or high, wide or out-front. But one thing is for certain: No matter what shape you gestate in, people will have no qualms about commenting on it.

As a high, out-front carrying type of pregnant broad, I got my fair share of unsolicited opinions. Here are six comments from friends, family and total strangers that I found most annoying during my nine-month journey:

  1. “Are you sure it’s not twins?”
    BAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD ONE! Not. Kindly STFU. With the modern marvel of ultrasounds and general common sense employed by most doctors, it’s pretty rare that a woman is unknowingly baking a double batch. A pregnant person doesn’t need any help feeling conspicuous in public, so please keep this joke to yourself. Trust me, it’s been done many times by more skilled ass hats than yourself.
  2. “Just remember to push…away from the dinner table.”
    Yes, someone actually had the balls to say this to me when I was pregnant with my daughter. Fat jokes are never funny, particularly when the person on the receiving end is hormonal and already second guessing whether they are gaining weight inline with the “normal” healthy curve. Save yourself the deserved throat punch and NEVER insinuate that a pregnant woman’s belly is more burrito than baby.
  3. “You’re so big already!”
    Thanks for the heads up, pal! I had no idea you went to school to be an OB-GYN, because how the hell else could you accurately deduce that I’m bigger or smaller than what I should be at this point in my pregnancy? Oh, you’re not a doctor? Then please enjoy this piping-hot cup of STFU.
  4. “Are you exercising?
    Does rocking up the momentum to get me and my belly out of bed to pee four times a night count? You’re damn straight it does! Maybe it was only me who was offended by this one because I was absolutely NOT exercising. I don’t consistently exercise even when I’m not exhausted and equipped with a belly the size of a smart car. Also, are you exercising? It’s an awkward question and kind of none of your business.
  5. “How much weight have you gained?”
    Dude! I don’t like thinking about it and I can’t imagine you actually want to know. This is a little like asking what you do for pubic hair maintenance. It’s really personal and (as previously mentioned) a sensitive subject for someone already teetering on the edge of a self-shame spiral. And no one likes to feel like they’ve stumbled into a carnival sideshow where they get their weight guessed. This, just like the rest of these questions, would be acknowledged as WILDLY inappropriate and offensive if they were asked of anyone besides a pregnant person.
  6. “There’s no way you’ll make it nine months.”
    Thanks, Bill! There’s no way you’ll keep your hair past 35. And also, STFU. How is insinuating that someone will have a premature baby considered totally acceptable small talk? This was a popular one, for some reason. Probably because people had no idea the bounds my girth could reach over the span on nine months.

I really do think people mean well when they say things like this. It’s just something they think you say to pregnant people to fill the silence. Try to remember this as you’re making your way to delivery, because people can ruin your day with these kinds of offhanded comments if you take them too seriously. Something about reproduction makes people blind to the fact that saying things like this would be considered incredibly hurtful for anyone else.

Hang in there! Literally all that matters is that you are healthy and doing what’s best for you and the baby. Whatever that does to your waistline is your business and all the asinine commentary in the world won’t change that.

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